I cannot believe that I have once again gravitated to livejournal. Then again, I can.
This has always been the one place I could go when I had nowhere else to. It's where I feel most comfortable discussing what is going on in my life, what's bothering me, what excites me, everything that once moved me is documented here and I wish I would have kept that going.
I guess I made my way back here today because of my nerves. First, let's catch up. I last wrote in 2010, just as I was getting ready to graduate from college with a bachelor's degree in English. Since graduating, I have moved in with my boyfriend Kevin, who I have now lived with for nearly three years. We got a cat together and she is a good substitute for a child (for now). My Sophie (cat I had while growing up in Florida) had to be put down on September 11th of last year and I was devastated but I'm glad I had her in my life for almost 16 years. Another death, which was of course more significant than Miss Sophie's was of my Granny, who found out that she had pancreatic cancer in April of 2011. She passed away a month later. I am better, but I am still not okay. Sometimes when I find it difficult to sleep at night, I think of her smiling face and the dolls we played with and the old movies we watched and of hanging out in her big backyard in Pennsylvania and I cry until my eyes become too tired to keep open. I'm just grateful that she was able to see me graduate from college.
Speaking of college and my degree, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. It also doesn't help that I changed my mind at what I wanted to do with my life AFTER I graduated. I never would have found this though, if it hadn't been for the odd jobs I had in between. After graduating, I worked at Sephora for a while, which reconnected me with my creative side. I started painting again and drawing and appreciating how that made me feel (better about myself). I got my dream job (but not career) when I was offered to work last season at Yankee Stadium in Guest Relations. It was here that I realized everything my life is supposed to be, in the matter of a few seconds. I got the chance to work with disabled guests and one especially got to me. He was blind and lived by himself in Brooklyn but traveled everyday to the Bronx because of his love for baseball. I helped him to his seat one day last summer and had the greatest time talking with him and observing how he used his senses to get around and his love for life despite his disability. He inspired me so much and it was right then that I realized I needed to help people like him to either realize how to enjoy life or to keep it up if they had already figured it out. I did some research and discovered art therapy. It is as it sounds: Therapists who use art to help their patients deal with whatever it is they are going through. I've always believed art was therapeutic and after seeing videos on how it has helped kids with cancer, adults with grief, the elderly with Alzheimer's and so on, I knew it was what I had to do.
I have an interview tomorrow afternoon with the graduate admissions department at Pratt. It may just be the biggest day of my life and I have never been this nervous before. Essentially, this is what brought me back here. Just to get it out of myself and attempt to chill out. I want this more than anything and I feel like, especially if I get it, every second should be documented, just like all of those moments ten years ago which sculpted who I am today. So, here we go. Wish me luck (if you're still out there).
Hopefully tomorrow brings to my life something new and exciting and finally allows me to have what I've always strived for, which is purpose.